Jun. 2nd, 2008 02:59 pm
faery_whisper: (Default)
When my world is quiet, and I'm not being barraged with text messages, emails, phone calls, and IMs, I start to heal. I take solace in the silence and allow myself to feel. Different emotions come up, anger, pain, sorrow, irritation, frustration, and hope. It's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, and a lot to go through within a short period of time, but it's the only way I know how to heal.

This weekend, I got some time to myself. Denise was asleep, Will and his brother had gone to a race Will's company was sponsoring, and I was allowed some peace and quiet with my thoughts. It was lonely, and it was hard, but it was so worth it. I need more quiet moments like this, but you don't get many when you're working full time and you've got a baby to care for. Still, I take them as they come.

I've been through break-ups before, D being the most significant up until now. Perhaps it is the legalities that are taking their toll, or the fact that at least with D, we would both cease communicating with the other around the same time. This time around, I don't get many breaks from the communication, which is understandable because of our daughter. It's much less stressful when my inbox isn't getting beaten down with correspondence or my cell phone isn't blowing up with text...although I think, for the most part, we've solved that problem.

Sometimes when I can't take a quiet moment completely to myself, I take the time when I'm putting Denise to bed. Looking into her peaceful face as she drifts off to sleep brings a calm I cannot describe. No matter what happened during the day, no matter how many angry words and spiteful actions have occurred, I can come back to my center just by rocking my daughter to sleep. It's the best part of my day, to sit with her, and rock her to sleep. With her still refusing to take a significant nap at daycare, it's also the main bit of quality time I can spend with her.

I've been rereading Teri Hatcher's "Burnt Toast" again. It's an interesting twist to read it now, going through a divorce myself. As I stated in my last public entry, experiencing a similar event to her recount of her weekend trip with friends was just one of those unforgettable lifetime events. She also talks about a trip to Africa she went on with her daughter, and how while she was on safari, she looked at the vast lands of Africa and thought to herself how much bigger and stronger the land was. She was able to let a lot of her pain, and doubt, and everything negative she was holding onto go into the lands and free herself from it all. My sister again had a similar experience, which I will not go into here, but suffice it to say, it made me wonder if I would one day find a place like that where I would be able to just let go of so many things. There was a point in London when we visited Stratford Upon Avon, where Shakespeare was born, when I didn't really let go of things, but I was able to find a sense of...purpose, if you will. I really want to go back to London one day, perhaps taking Denise with me to share the experience with her. It helped so much to be in a place of such a great writer, and I feel like if I went there again under better circumstances(where I wasn't pining away for some guy instead of enjoying the entire experience....and hopefully better company too), I may get a real kickstart on my writing again.

I think that's one reason I've been drawn to writing in the public eye again. I'm a bit hesitant, which is why only 2 entries thus far have made it to here. I've always felt stinted when I was writing for an unknown audience. You never really know who will stumble on your words. But if I want to make this into a career someday, I really need to let go of my inhibitions and put my whole heart back into my writing. It's never just about telling the story for me, but more about connecting with someone on a deep, intimate level.

I've contemplated returning to school. I actually have an "online orientation" with University of Maryland, University College scheduled to start next week. They have an English program and I'm seriously considering pursuing it. I would love to finish my degree, and while I have considered delving into the legal field at a deeper level, I just can't seem to let go of my first love. I'd love to be able to achieve my dreams not just for myself, but to set a good example for Denise and encourage her to go to(and consequently STAY IN :P) college. And to teach us both the lesson that you need to hold onto your dreams, but you also need to put forth the effort into achieving them. Now, I just need to find the fundings to pay to return to school. ;)

I feel like I'm taking this separation as a preparation time to prepare for life after divorce, which I guess is what you're supposed to do. I know some people use it to look into reconcilliation, but I know in my heart that that is not an option for me. I gave that relationship two chances to work out, and neither time did I see any real improvement despite conveying my feelings on the different issues to the point where I felt on the verge of nagging(if not actually doing so). And in this instance, I really don't feel that old saying of "third times the charm" really holds water. Some people never change, not because they can't, but because they simply don't want to. And that's fine, they are who they are and part of loving someone is accepting them for who they are. I tried, and I failed to do that in my marriage, which is one of many reasons for why it is ending.

Life is significantly easier when I don't hear from Travis. When I don't have to gear myself up for yet another fight, when I don't have to keep my head from exploding from some of the stupidity on both our parts, and when I don't think about how angry I still am at him. Yes, I'm still angry, and I'm learning to give myself permission to be angry, among other emotions. While our marriage did not last long, it had a heck of a lot of hardships in the short time it did last. I'm hoping that as this year passes, so will some of the old anger I'm still processing. Oh there will be plenty of new anger, reread the first paragraph regarding the barrage of communication, but eventually I hope to get to the point where I just take it all in stride.

The weekend I went to Maryland, I took my old car to church with Denise and I really enjoyed zipping around(ok, more like trudging along, the car is rather old...and loud) in my old little aspire. It reminded me of my old, mis-guided joke when I bought the Focus to replace the Aspire. I jokingly told all of my friends that I had aspired to a better career(W&C) and I was now going to Focus on it. Needless to say, nobody found that joke as amusing as I did. But I'm aspiring again, and I'm working to getting my life back into order. Driving around the aspire really brought me back down to earth. I realized when I first bought that car 8 years ago that I had no idea I was going to end up where I am now. I had no idea that 8 years later, I would be buckling my daughter into a carseat in the back seat of that car, I had no idea I would willingly drive her to church because it's important to me that she experience a wide range of religious choices and not suffer the judgment of her family for seeking spirituality in alternative locations. I had no idea I would be married and separated and a single mother by the time I was 24.

But life doesn't have a road map and we continually go off course. Sometimes the new path leads us to exciting new adventures and experiences we never would have considered before, and sometimes it ends at the bottom of a cliff of heartache, regret and remorse. But it's not about the fall to the bottom, is it? It's really about what we do after the fall. Do we spend our life like that character in Meet the Robinsons, festering in our anger and pain until we decide to seek our revenge? Or do we keep moving forward, pushing past the pain to try once again for happiness? It's a choice we must all make, and I am choosing to push forward. I know I can pull myself back up the cliff, even without the hand and eye coordination needed to rock climb. ;) I know I won't make it there all in one day, but there's little ledges along the way where I can rest and look at my progress.

I've got a long road ahead of me, but I finally understand what it means to have a support network, and I know I can turn to them if I start to falter. And I know it's ok to let myself feel, that I don't need to pretend everything is ok to live. Everything is not ok, but that doesn't mean I have to stop living. The challenge is to find the balance between ignoring the pain and letting it consume me. I hate feeling negative, I hate the way it colors my outlook, so here's me trying to brighten my outlook with the power of healing.


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May 2013

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