Day 2

Aug. 12th, 2010 11:04 am
faery_whisper: (Default)
[personal profile] faery_whisper

Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 – A moment, in great detail
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 – This week, in great detail
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 – Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail


My first love was my high school sweetheart, D. We had English together for a few years before I really noticed him, though apparently he remembered me from Sunday school at church. To this day, I don't recall him being in the class, but I can count myself oblivious to many things christian... ;)

Where I first noticed D was in 11th grade AP English. We sat next to each other (alphabetically, of course) and one day our teacher offered students to come up and read a sermon given by a very hardlined, fire and brimstone type of preacher from back in the day. Don't ask me the preacher's name, I don't remember it, but I DO remember not being able to take my eyes off D and how his performance chilled ME to the bone...me who had recently completely gone over to the "dark side" by embracing wicca. I admit I had not really noticed him before, aside from making a mental note that he carried a REALLY huge black duffle bag the year before in our honors English class. But I definitely noticed him now, and I was definitely interested.

I don't really remember how I went about demonstrating my interest, but I do remember a lot of encouragement for him to join theatre, from me and multiple others. In the end, he gave in to my encouragement (i.e. pestering) and tried out for the spring play, The Canterville Ghost. The boy not only got a part in the play, he got the LEAD! And it was during that play that our relationship began. I got the part of the Vampire Duchess(which I only wanted cause, hello, vampire! The obsession continues to this day!) and so we spent a lot of time in rehearsing. Our theatre teacher actually took this growing relationship and ran with it in the show. Our characters interacted a great deal more than the other ghosts in the show, and our attraction to each other was easily translated onstage.

Our relationship was sadly not a bed of roses, what high school relationship is? It certainly didn't help that we didn't have a lot of support. My mother was in her second mid-life crisis and was in the process of preparing to leave my dad. In D, she saw a lot of my dad (which after some things that transpired, made my dad feel REALLY insulted, but I digress), and she was afraid I would make her same mistakes. In the end, most of you know my story, I made plenty of my OWN mistakes. ;) And most of my friends failed to see the attraction. Plus, they could see that ours was not the healthiest relationship, so most of my friends were against it.

Anyway, we fought a lot, but we loved a lot too. Like the song by Eminem and Rihanna (sp?) that I have since associated with my marriage, D and I would have passionate fights and passionate reunifications. But with D, it was different. For one, D and I were more similar than the ex husband and I. D and I both had notably bad tempers and sometimes it felt like the fights were more about control of each other than about any detail in our lives. True Scorpios to the core. ;) Once D and I broke up, though, he was more accepting of staying away from me than the ex husband has been. D didn't harrass me. We had a very on and off again relationship for many years after the first official break up, and every time I would push D away, D would leave. He might put up a slight fight, but it never lasted more than a week or so. It was rare that he was the one to contact me after the months of silence. D was like a drug to me, but I didn't need my fix as often as drug users may need theirs. I could go for months, fighting against that need, but eventually I would cave. I think, based on the final battle, that D was a lot healthier than me in a lot of ways. I think if I had been strong enough to leave him alone early on, he would have been strong enough to do the same. Guess it's payback time for me now, eh? :P

The complete and total end came after my mother died. D said some hurtful things, things he probably doesn't remember now, but I do. They aren't things I'm likely to forget. I decided it was time to end this, once and for all. When D came home from college the summer after my mother passed on, I went to see him. We talked for 6 hours that night, and we laid it all out on the table. Everything, we needed it, it was closure...or so I thought. Two days later, he called me, he wanted to keep talking through this as, at that point, he stilled believed we could make it work. I went, another 4 hours of brutal honesty and I was pretty broken and bleeding emotionally. He tried once more to see me after that, and then, I never heard from him again.

That was 7 years ago. I still think D was much more healthier than I was in our relationship, no matter how much my friends and family tried to blame him for the downfall. That's not to say he was innocent, as I say, every relationship takes two to make and two to break it. But he was healthier, and has continued to be so. I know he's married now, I actually witnessed his proposal. I'm happy for him though. After putting up with me, he deserves some healthy happiness. ;)

There's a Taylor Swift song that reminds me a lot of my relationship with D. It talks about being so in love with someone that you "act insane." She talks about how it gives you a "roller-coaster kind of rush," that drama of constantly going up and downhill. I think that was part of what was so addicting to me, the adrenaline, the emotional turmoil. It's kind of nice to know I've done a 180 and have learned to just shut down and avoid the drama the divorce has tried to pull me into.

I think, deep down, I'll always have a soft side for D. I still think it's for the best that we're not in each other's lives, but I don't think I'll ever stop caring about him. And if I ever think I'll get to that point, my subconscious throws me a new dream where he stars! ;)
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